Monday, February 28, 2011
hallelujah!! All our problems are solved. Who knew it all so easy eh?
Update: Thanks for all your wishes. My friends u/s scan went well and the baby is growing right on target. She has been put on bed rest though and is on progesterone (injections and suppository).
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Saturday, February 26, 2011
She believed in soul mates
And they did come true...I have many more dreams, sure they will come true too....
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
But even then a small breeze would come floating in, engulf me and tell me how special I was. That breeze would make me feel like a princess. That breeze gave me strength dust my dirty dress, smile and go back to face the world. That breeze sometimes became a sweet song, when I hid in the dark corner of the cupboard. As I grew up, I realized that breeze was God, my God. God never made life easy for me, never took away the obstacles. God gave me courage to fight and grow. I never had to go to place of worship or follow a religion because I found God in my heart, in my soul. It was God who showed me that I did not need to be beautiful to be loved, and suddenly the world loved me-because I had learned to love myself.
God helped me look beyond the ugliness of this world. What was it, if not the strength of God that helped me to live a normal life after a so called uncle tried to molest me as a seven year old, and later when my sister’s boy friend tried to do the same?
I was never bitter. Even after my fiance of four years cheated on me, and the relation came to a heartbreaking end. I did not suddenly stop believing in men or love. And God gave me my soul mate. No matter what, I never lost my faith…even when my father died of cancer, when all my family was questioning God, I did not. The only time I questioned God was when I was TTC. The day I realized that I was losing that special song, that cool breeze, that God no longer spoke tome, I stopped TTC.
What I had was special and TTC almost destroyed that. I still have not heard God in a long time..but I fee his presence, and I know soon he will speak to me again…
Saturday, February 19, 2011
- Yesterday was my fifth wedding anniversary. I had a talk with M sometime back about our marriage and its future. Yesterday, M took a day off from both college and office. A huge, huge deal for him. He never takes time off, for anybody! That’s the main problem we have in our marriage. Not only that. M also did not take any calls from anybody and when his office folks paged him about some important stuff that needed to be done, he mailed them that he would come early in the morning to finish that work. He went to office today morning 5am! Just so he could spend the whole of yesterday with his family. It’s a start, a good start. I think we can work things out. This was my status on FB yesterday “He may not gift me diamonds, but he shampooed my hair when I was too ill to do so myself. He may not buy flowers for me, but his tears when he saw me in pain after the wisdom tooth extraction was enough gift for me. Happy Anniversary Mallik. Our marriage is a roller coaster ride, thank God for that. I would have lost interest long ago otherwise...”
- . I don’t think I mentioned earlier that Danny started teething late. He got his first tooth after his first birthday. He now has 7 teeth. Now his molar is on its way out. Ouch, ouch, ouch. I was in any case wasn’t getting enough sleep, but now Danny is waking up every TWO hours at night. Any suggestions on how to ease his pain? And mine?
- . During the first two months after Danny’s birth, he refused to sleep – at all! I actually carried him around the whole day. The moment I put him down he would start howling. I went days without bathing ( I had NO help). Food became a luxury. In the third month I discovered the binky and what a lifesaver it was. Danny learned to sleep! Next two months were the best. He slept in his crib and everything was fantastic. But then he learned to roll over and I got scared shit of SIDS so I bought him over to our bed to co-sleep. I tried to get him back to his crib – no use. Danny now owns our bed. BAD BAD for my sleep. This guy’s a mover. He moves 360 degrees and kicks and sits up and talks in his sleep, sigh.
- .Danny is almost potty trained. We still have accidents, but they are few and far between. Danny is diaper free during the daytime. Night time is another story altogether.
- . No more TTC for me. I have given up. Call me a loser if you want to, but I can’t take the stress. I have my miracle baby, and if the Universe wants, we will be able to adopt our second child. I am thinking of getting my tubes tied. What? An infertile getting her tubes tied seems ridiculous . but otherwise a single unprotected incident gives way to hope, and then heartbreak.
- . Yesterday, we got news that a little baby girl has been abandoned in M’s friend’s hospital. It breaks my heart. Things like these are very common here in India where a girl child is unwanted. She is three months old. The hospital administration is trying to get her adopted. We said we are interested. Haven’t heard from them yet. I live in hope.
- . I have started chanting again. Chanting helped me so much earlier, and I am sure it will help me find myself again. I am walking out of the darkness. I don’t like it here.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Footsteps of childhood slowly disappeared behind the misty haze of city life. I looked around to find the innocent smile, the wide-eyed gaze, and all I could find was cynicism. Did I lose the child in me? I shivered at the thought. Did I finally become one of them?? One of the adults I smirked at as a 13-year-old? I closed my eyes and looked deep inside, and there she was, the little Chhandita I had known years ago. I so wanted her back. she smiled and said “I was never away, I am the one who feels the bliss when raindrops touches your face, when the smell of the wet earth wafts in I am the one who closes my eyes and feels like I am in heaven, you can never shut me out, try as hard as you want” I opened my eyes and smiled, the smile of self discovery.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Friday, February 11, 2011
M actually saved that man's life. I wonder how that feels. M simply shrugs it off.
There are times (they are more frequent now) when I want to leave M. I am having a lots of second thoughts about our marriage. But one thing I cannot take away from him. M is a great human being and I love him for that.
There is so much I need to write. About my marriage. About shit I was going through. About being an imperfect mother but I get no time. Danny naps only once in the day time, and when he does I nap along with him. He still not sleeping through the night, and this is the only way for him to get some sleep.
But thanks for checking on me :)
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
Friday, February 4, 2011
M couldn't come to the doc yesterday as he had deadlines at work. I totally understand. What I don't understand is why he had to go meet his friends after work for a few drinks?
I am angry...